Crap sleep. Couldn’t help thinking about those kids. I say ‘kids’ but they probably weren’t a lot younger than me. Jessica and Eama were the youngest, the most talkative, but anytime they touched on something that hinted at their lives, the boy would glare at them. He didn’t give his name, but I had a fair idea. He said they wanted to go south, avoiding any settlements. So I escorted them for a way, before heading back. Was a good 6 hours walking. Seems easy enough, but do it for that long straight, and your hips’ll know about it, ninja or no. Maybe you’re wondering why I didn’t try harder to keep them with us. I know. I woulda been like that too. But it isn’t always happy endings and group hugs. Sometimes people gotta do what they gotta do. And I believe I have told you about how well strangers go around here.

Anyway. Even though Rachael is a righteous cow I have also been thinking about what she’s been saying. Am I too gung ho? Do I think am I better than everyone cos of what I can and do, do? I mean, I am not gonna think less of myself cos she doesn’t like it, but I guess there is something to be said about a little humility. I have put down to do some runs with dad (Yay – bonding! Welcome to the secret life of Jay!) but I also have been thinking I should do some more work in the kitchen, agriculture, and supplies. Get a bit more well-rounded. I told dad. He grinned fit to split. He didn’t say it, but I know he wants Dep and I to step up around here, later. Dude, I tell him, (dude, cos he hates it) this is a democracy, not a monarchy. Then he tells me that nepotism goes a long way, and then I have to go get the dictionary.

So I dunno how much kick-ass excitement I will have for you, for a while. Although I will be able to tell you how I cooked an industrial sized-vat of soup, or fertilized some carrots. Shit – do you even fertilize carrots? Yup. Perhaps Rachael is on to something.

After today, I wanted to get closely acquainted with my pillow, ASAP. Found this note from dad on it instead. Think he is getting all melancholy and introspective in his old age. Course after I read it, I couldn’t sleep. No, I am not going write about the rest of my day, then. I am going to keep you in suspense, while I lie here, feeling sad about the whole world and the stories untold, lives and families torn apart, and how I probably should spend some more time with my dad

         As a baby, Jay was my story and my world. Everything I did was to keep her alive – and then, once that was as certain as it could be in this place, my job was to keep her happy.

 But one day, I realized that I couldn’t write her life anymore. When I knew she was consciously forming her own memories, I had become a supporting character in the chapters of her book. She was the protagonist now, not me. The world belonged to her, and I was on the periphery – playing ‘dad’. She wasn’t gonna care about the action hero – kicking butt, running the place, wooing the ladies and making the tough decisions. I was the guy who made her eat her greens.

I never got this feeling with Dep. Too busy working, providing, drinking with my buddies. I guess his mom felt it. She never talked about it, though; how scary it was, how it reinforced your mortality and their independence.

I just hope my daughter knows, as she lives ‘The Secret Life of Jay’, how much I love her, and I am always waiting in the footnotes, when she needs me in her story.

Four of them, three of us. Four, if you counted Jack.

Please – cried one of the three girls.

The boy, the tallest – maybe a year or two younger than me – kept his eyes down. Sorry – just moving through, he mumbled. Didn’t mean to bother you.

But Jo – ! the girl cried out as the boy grabbed her arm roughly. All three of us tensed, ready.

Let her talk, said Ben.

She ain’t got nothing to say. The boy looked everywhere but me.

Sorry, the girl squeaked, glancing at the boy beseechingly. She spoke quickly. Just some water, if you have it, or a little food. We really are only traveling through.

Shall I call your dad? Jack’s voice crackled through.

No! said the boy. His eyes darted to me, and something pushed at the edges of my memory. Just…we gotta go. You haven’t seen us. Please?

Ben, Rachael and I glanced at each other askance. This was beyond weird. People practically beat down our doors for sanctuary. I needed to figure this out, but this skittish bunch wasn’t gonna talk with all of us around.

Fine, I said, taking charge. You can give me an idea where you are headed and I will point you in the right direction. Let’s go. I scooped up Ben and Rachael’s picnic, depositing it in the girls’ hands. Skin and bone, all three of them. Old bruises, weary eyes. The boy was rough with fear, but I didn’t think he’d had a hand in it.

Wait – we’ll come! said Ben.

Secrets are better kept by one, I said, eyeballing the boy. Ben nodded once. He got it.

Rachael made a noise of disgust. Always gotta be the hero. She didn’t.

I pulled a finger sign over my shoulder as I followed them back into the bushes.

There is nothing like the Apocalypse to bring out the whack-jobs. So of course, when new people happen along, we are pretty suspicious. Don’t get me wrong, we do let people join us –  we need new people; for labour, to prevent inbreeding – that kinda thing. Dad has always been wary of strangers wanting in, asking them his ‘three questions’, giving them trial periods etc. It was a process but it wasn’t foolproof – I mean, how can you really know what someone is like?

Then there was this one time that pretty much all but shut our gates for good. They seemed like a nice group. Hayley and I were excited cos there was a boy, Joshua. A new kid to hang with was better than Christmas, even if he was a little timid. Six whole weeks they were with us before they did it. Gotta give it to them, they were patient, and ruthless. After the chaos, it didn’t take us too long to figure out what had happened. They had done a thorough reconnaissance of everything – our food, weapons, general equipment. While we were feeding them, clothing, housing them and bonding with them, they were screwing us over.

We dubbed it a Zombie Bomb. We guessed there were three out of the eight of them who did it. We dunno how; a pill, or poison maybe? While they turned and massacred us in our sleep, the others took as much as they could and melted into the night, leaving us to die.

So when those two bedraggled kids stumbled out of the bushes, it wasn’t going to go well for them, no matter how doe-eyed and orphaned they looked.

Yeah, so that didn’t exactly turn out the way I had planned. What? Did you think I was going to go for some deviously clichéd plan involving pain and humiliation? Come on now. I hope you know me a bit better than that. It was tempting. God, SO tempting, but, no. I just thought that maybe if I could get them together, it might take the heat off me a bit. Maybe that is worse than embarrassing Rachael; Ben clearly has issues. However, that doesn’t mean he is never allowed to be in love. So I thought I would give them both a nudge in the right direction. Jack and I sent the letters, I set up a cosy picnic at the edge of the woods. We made sure Jack was on tower duty, and I set myself up, hidden away, just in case. Baby deer and all that.

Rachael arrived first, and saw the picnic, the look of pleasure on her face made her almost un-bitch-like for a second. Ben showed up soon after, looking a bit startled, but he covered it well. I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but they seemed to establish that it was indeed some sort of set up, but they didn’t seem too put out by it. Not if the way Ben’s eyes kept flickering to Rachael’s low-cut top was any indication. I can admit I had to squelch down a dart of jealousy, then.

They talked, they ate, they laughed and seemed to have a really good time. My ass went numb and I got eaten alive by mosquitoes. I was willing them to wrap it up when we all heard the snap of a twig. They both leapt up and I sprang into a crouch and fell into an ungainly heap. Ninja-smooth, Jay.

Ben spoke into his radio and I saw the sun blink off Jack’s lens as he searched the woods. There it was again. I swore under my breath. I was going to have to blow my cover. Don’t get me wrong, everyone here has decent training, but I wasn’t going to get anyone killed cos my cupid’s arrow went haywire. I slunk out of the bushes at a low run, hands up, calling out, ‘Ben, Rachael, it’s me!’

Are you kidding me? sighed Ben.

Oh, thank god! said Rachael, I thought there was something out there. But it’s just you.

It was amazing how in a couple of lines she went from sounding super-relieved to super-bitchy. I can go, I said, making to walk away. I know, real mature, but holy hell that girl is awful.

Another rustle and crackle. Both their eyes widened at that. A chorus of, No, please stay! followed.

Jack’s voice came through the radio. I can’t get a clear visual. Seems to be three of whatever they are.

Where are your weapons?

Ben pulled out his knife. Rachael had nothing. She was obviously going to go skinny-dipping next, she was that determined to be the first cute victim in this horror-novel.

I was about to suggest we make a run for it under Jack’s cover, when they came through the bushes to our left. They weren’t what I expected, that’s for sure.

Please, Jack?

No! This is really immature. You are stooping to her level. Get someone else.

I can’t – she knows your writing, it’ll be authentic.

Be the bigger person, Jay.

It is just good, teenage fun. It’ll get it out of my system and we’ll be even – no harm, no foul.

You really think no-one will get hurt by this?

Well, conceded Jay, it might be a little embarrassing, but they’ll get over it. Come, on – it can’t be any worse than cleaning poop for weeks on end.

Fine – but you owe me. Now what do you want it to say?

Jay cleared her throat to do her best Ben impression. Dear Rachael, she began.

Jay hefted the foul-smelling bucket to the tank, trying not to slosh it on herself. She used to breathe through her mouth, until she realized that just meant she could taste it. She carefully used her forearm to wipe the sweat from her brow. With each emptied bucket, the flies swarmed and buzzed.

At the washing station, she tried not to heave as she rinsed the buckets out. She wasn’t wearing gloves. They made her sweaty and irritated her skin, and when the tainted water got in anyway…She just made sure to wash her hands really, really, really well.

There was one thing, though. She was never bothered by anyone for a casual chat when she was doing this job. Not that anybody was being particularly friendly with her at the moment.  This made Rachael’s approach very suspicious. Jay was on her last run, pushing the cart of full buckets over the bumpy road towards the tank.

Jay squinted at Rachael. She didn’t care much for what people did or didn’t wear; fashion wasn’t exactly important to her, but seeing Rachael look so damn clean and probably nice-smelling, really pissed her off. Finally. Jay stopped the cart as Rachael met her.

Considering the end of the world and all, you’d this kinda bullying would be redundant.

Absolutely not! replied Rachael cheerfully. How else am I supposed to keep entertained? It is so satisfying to see the high and mighty Jay do some dirty work for once.

For once? Are you kidding? I haven’t seen you empty a poop bucket OR stick a skewer into your best friend once this year. Rachael’s mouth dropped open. Jay snorted at how quickly she closed it again, against the stench. Jay also regretted her snort.

How long you gonna keep this up?

I haven’t decided yet. Why – you going to tell your Daddy?

Nope. Just remember who keeps you alive around here.

Yeah, big bad-ass Jay, how can I forget? Rachael rolled her eyes. There are other people around here who can kill them, you know.

Sure, okay, Jay shrugged, unconcerned.

Anyway, said Rachael brightly, enjoy the rest of your day! Then with effort, which spoiled the effect, she pushed a bucket off the cart. Jay leapt back but still was splashed with muck.

And that was when Jay got her fight back.

I won’t  say anything to Dad. I won’t be that person. He knows something is up; I actually sleep in my room, instead of just using it to flounce into and slam the door.

So gross. I smell like shit. Like, actual poop. It has been two weeks. I think I am doing a good job of sucking it up. (Ew, no – bad imagery) There are far worse things going on in the world than me having to clean toilets. Zombies are starving in Africa, don’t you know? It can’t be all gun-toting, knife-wielding and skewer-jabbing fun and games.

Yeah, I know it isn’t fair, and that Rachael is abusing her position. I just haven’t got enough fight to give a shit care at the moment. Maybe I deserve to be punished.

Ugh, listen to me. Pathetic.

I stare at the roster in disgust. Cleaning duty again.

Ouch, comes a voice over my shoulder. Jack.

Excellent I mutter, walking away.

Jay, wait, he calls.

What? I snap.

He doesn’t hate you, you know. I don’t either.

Why would Jack hate me? I wonder. Well, someone does, I say, gesturing back at the roster.

Yeah, Rachael is in admin this week.

So?

She likes Ben.

Oh, I see. But I don’t know if I did.

So, how do you know?

What?

That he doesn’t hate me.

Oh, we talk, I do the writing.

Huh?

Didn’t you wonder who wrote that note?

Ah, crap. Note from a cute boy who can’t even write and I didn’t once question who wrote it. Totally. Lobotomized.

We’ve been trying to write you another one but he can’t seem to make up his mind between wanting you back and wanting to tell you to get lost.

And you say he doesn’t hate me?

Oh, it is all about love, Jack smiles, a little sadly. I want to smack him, knowing all of this, about me. Hey – I am just the messenger, says Jack, sensing my anger.

Well, Messenger Boy – no more notes. Ben and I are done. And if you can manage it, convince him to ask Rachael out. I can’t clean latrines forever.

I can try, he says, but he doesn’t sound convinced.

One more thing – the thought comes to me – Jack was there. The night we broke up, what did you see?

Jack looks carefully at me, enough to know that you made the right decision.

Shit. How could I be so selfish? Yeah, maybe don’t get him to ask Rachael out. I will deal with her punishment. Although I did wonder, shouldn’t she be happy that Ben is free? So confusing.

You never know, she might be right for him, Jack says hopefully.

I shake my head and walk away.

I will end you?

Every time I replay it in my head, I cringe. Flair for the dramatic, or what? But seriously, how DARE he think he can touch after I said no? Asshole.

I miss Hayley so much right now. She would pretend to get why I dumped him, even though I know she would think I threw a perfectly good boy away. Still, she would tell me I did the right thing, and that Ben was a loser. (This is, of course, after lying about why I broke up with him, not the I-was-bit-on-the-ass-and-survived-and-can-never-have-sex-lest-I-give-away-my-deadliest-secret version.)

It feels like everyone is looking sideways at me, that mean bitch, who broke poor Ben’s heart. Dad and Dep are being supportive, trying to be all somber, when I know they wanted to high five each other when I came home and told them. I said I wasn’t ready for ‘stuff’ which stopped them asking questions but also pleased them no end. They think I am being all pro-active and in charge of my body and feelings. God, if only they knew how NOT in control of my body I am.

I have put down to do more patrols and even a few runs, if Dad’ll let me. I can’t handle bumping into him, his Aunt and Uncle, his friends.

Mish was surreptitiously sent for, to give me womanly support or whatever but she hasn’t been able to come. I know she would be on ‘my’ side, but she has that soft spot for Ben, and will be a little disappointed.

I want my mom.