A twig snaps and I stop dead. I pray for a walker. A herd, even. I will Joshua to stay hidden. Yeah. Remember him?

Jay, says my dad, as Joshua’s head pops into view, happy expectation quickly erased from his face. I hang my head as I turn to face dad. And Dep. My fists clench. Who betrayed me? Who do I love that didn’t trust me enough to leave me fucking be? Damn it.

I want to scream and lash out but Eama and Jessica’s frowning, tousled heads appear next to Joshua’s. Eama’s eyes widen when she sees Dep. I forget how strangers might see him. I haven’t even thought to tell you.

I want to tell the kids to run, but I know it won’t work. They are stronger than they were, but wouldn’t last long. I need a plan, a lie, something. If they find out about the kids, they will know about me, too, and I knew what dad would do. Have to do.

But instead of a strategy, I throw up in a bush. As you can see, I am stellar in a crisis.

Jesus, Jay – what is going on? Who are these kids? Dad asks. The girls begin to weep. They know why I have kept them hidden. They cry that they are going to die.

I know it has been a while. Here’s a recap of my adventures from my internal narrator. You’ll have to excuse her, she can be a bit cranky. And unreliable…

Where are we in Jay’s world? Well, she got her first boyfriend, but that wasn’t before killing her life-long best friend, Hayley. She broke it off with first-boyfie-Ben because he was a douche-canoe. Jay wasn’t on board with his violent tendencies, no matter how hot he was.

Since then, she has made tentative friends with her former arch-nemesis, Rachael, met a new guy, who I don’t believe she has divulged the name of, while becoming closer friends with Jack.

She also came across a group of runaway kids whilst setting Ben and Rachael up. Sounds a bit dodgy, doesn’t it? Yeah, Jay didn’t think that one through and now Rachael hates her. Ben never really stopped since Jay dumped his ass, and now Jack has this unrequited crush. Awkward.

Jay’s Dad and her big brother Dep are harassing her about her friends and sudden need for alone time in the woods, and to be honest, it is kinda suspicious.

Just in case you are really new to this tale, it should probably be mentioned that Jay is a child of the apocalypse. Yeah. I am talking Zombies. It can be pretty hectic, as the young folk say, but generally it is teen fare – will Jay’s friends ever speak to her again, will Jay ever get laid? She reckons ‘no’ re: sexy-time, due to her big bad secret, which if her dad found out about, he’d kill her. Like, literally.

But at the moment, what interests me is what is in those woods? Whatever is going on there, it has distracted Jay from wanting to ask her Dad and Dep how her Mom died, all those years ago.

Forgotten about that, hadn’t you?

 

I really want to see things from Rachael’s point of view. I just wanna figure out how I fucked things up so badly….

 

It is so boring being stuck in this bed. I need to be out there, training. Especially after the other night. That was some scary shit. Then of course, there was the herd.

Rachael! What happened? Jay bustled into my  room, all cargo pants, boots, shiny hair and rosy cheeks. Ugh.

Hi, Jay. I turned to face the window. I was so not in the mood for her.

So….?

Twisted my ankle in all the almost dead-silent excitement of the other night.

Oh, that sucks. Jay plopped herself into the chair next to the bed. I turned to face the wall.

What’s with the welcoming committee? Jay’s tone was jovial, but I could see the flush in her cheeks at the snub I decided then that I might as well go all in.

Are you even kidding me? It takes you two days to even realize anything is going on with me, and you don’t even know the half it! Plus, you blow Jack off, even though he really likes you and he’s an awesome guy. Every time I have tried to see you, you are off hugging trees or some bullshit!

I’m sorry – I…

You do know you have to work at friendships you know? It isn’t all organic and ‘since we were babies’ crap like it was with Hayley.

I know, but…

Yeah but you DON’T even know. I took a breath. Ben and I broke up.

There was a too long a pause before Jay gave me a small oh.

Well that just fucking takes it. I could see it in her eyes and slump of her shoulders. You knew what he was like, didn’t you?

Look, I thought maybe that…

What a load of crap. You just offloaded him on to me. You really are a self-obsessed bitch.

Jay stood up, looking stricken. I guess I better go.

Guess you’d better. Lord, I cannot believe the nerve of her.

 

 

 

You fell asleep? he asked incredulously.

I glanced at him sheepishly. Yup. Woke up in a puddle of my own saliva and everything.

That’s attractive.

It is what I aim for.

Jack and I were on clean up duty, looking for strays. I was itching to get further afield, to see how far out they’d been.

You okay? Jack asked. You seem distracted.

Yeah, I’m fine. I get out of sorts after this sort of thing. All fear, no action.

See – I’m the opposite. I feel fantastic – we are alive!

I don’t even know if that is opposite. Maybe it is on a spectrum.

I’ll just pretend I know what that means, Jack laughed. Either way, it makes me assess my life, you know?

I guess. I was too busy trying to nonchalantly peer through the trees, to notice Jack was right close behind me. Right in my ear.

Jay –

I whipped around to be met with his earnest gaze. Oh, I didn’t like this at all.

You have to know how I feel?

Did I? I searched his face. Was he messing with me? He leaned in.

Woah! Jack! I cried, placing a firm hand between us.

I thought….he began.

We’re friends, okay? I interrupted, wishing the herd would come back.

Friends? Jack repeated, staring at me, his face inscrutable. Had I noticed how damn pretty his eyes were before?

Yeah, come on – haven’t you heard about my drooling problem? I cringed at his short, harsh laugh, and myself. Why did I have to demean myself, jokingly or not, to deflect his attention?

Yeah, he said, his face softening a little. You are pretty gross.

Absolutely, I agreed.

 

At the end of our shift we parted ways with our usual banter, but I couldn’t shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know if it was dread or embarrassment, but whatever it was, it was heavy and insistent.

Do you know what is hard? Trying not to breathe when your heart is pounding in your chest, your eyes, your throat. It is like drowning on dry land.

Sometimes the apocalypse is ripping, shredding, stabbing, sucking, dripping, squelching and popping. Other times it is silence but for your breath, the mouse scratch of pen on paper and the sound of uncounted, decaying, shuffling pairs of feet carrying through the crisp night air.

There hasn’t been a herd in a long time. Dep says there were lots in the beginning. They are older and more decrepit but still dangerous in their sheer number, groaning, tripping, attracted by their own noise, growing and moving across the landscape, a consuming, blind beast.

If we can spot one far enough out, we can lead them away – hang wind chimes, bells and whatnot on trees, drawing them away from us. Dep’s favourite story was when he managed to slip a Walkman around the lead one’s neck. Dad scoffed, asking why he couldn’t at least scrounge up a Discman. I had no fricken’ idea what they were crapping on about.

There was no warning this time. I was asleep when we got the knock. It could have been 5 minutes ago, it could have been two hours. Either way, I really gotta pee. Once the knock happens, that’s it. No movement, no talking, no lights, absolute terror. I don’t know where the herd is coming from, where it is heading or how many. I didn’t hear dad come in tonight – he could be out there. I daren’t even whisper his name.

I prefer the visceral noise of fighting them, using the fear rather than suffocating with it. But there is a time to be a bad-ass and there is a time calm the hell down and hide.

So now I wait to live or die, writing by the light of the moon, hoping that everyone out there is safe.

Ok. So yes, I did meet someone on that run with dad. But seriously, what is going to come of it? He lives a freakin’ 10 hour walk away. We do have a couple of cars but they are for emergencies, not hormonal teenagers.

We got thrown together while Dad talked trade and stuff. His little sister was always with us, chattering away, but he would catch my eye over her head and I would feel like there was not enough air in the room but too much in my lungs. His eyes told me he wanted to know everything about me, but his smile seemed like he already did. I can’t lie – it was intoxicating. But as if I was going to fall for someone just like that. I mean, the only time we really spoke was when he accidentally barged in on me changing. I turned with a gasp to catch his wide stare before he backed out of the bathroom.

Sorry! So sorry! His voice was muffled through the door. I’m not used to guests. I always know when Stacey is in there from the incessant noise.

That’s okay, I replied walking out with my dirty clothes. Two red spots stood out on his cheeks. Woah – I backed up as his hand reached towards me.

Oh – I – he mumbled, cheeks flaring again – your collar is crooked.

Don’t think the Zombies care much, I said, raising an eyebrow. Shit. Too mean?

He groaned. Sorry! I forget how to function like a semi-normal human quite often. He resolutely tucked an escaping strand of hair behind his ear and gave me a half smile. It was a sweet smile but I also saw the challenge there.

That was pretty much the limit of our conversation, and that was it. I was gone. Yeah, I know what I said before, and maybe my feelings have grown in the constant replay in my mind, but whatever. Here lies the beginnings of the story about how Jay met yet another boy that she couldn’t have.

Yay.

I was heading out when Dep fell into step beside me. Mind if I tag along? My heart sank. I did mind, very much, but too much was at stake to let it show.

Sure, why not? After a mile or so, he begged me to stop for a rest.

Pissweak, I chided. We are in the middle of the Zombie apocalypse and you can’t run a mile without dying?

You wanna do this? Dep asked with challenge in his voice.

I know, I know, I groaned, you used to have to walk 20 miles a day in the snow with 500 hundred of them trailing after you, just to get a drink of water. Come on, I said, let’s at least walk fast.

After about 5 minutes of brisk paced walked I heard the change in his breathing, and fought the urge to run off without him.

So, you and Rachael, he began.

Really? I asked. Why does every male in my life want to run it?

Just give me this, Dep said. It is kind of a luxury to lecture you about unsuitable friends, rather than just trying to survive.

Fine. Lecture away.

I listened and nodded and huffed in all the right spots. Thing is, I got what he was saying. Rachael is a bit ‘old world’ – complacent. Hasn’t been through as much as some of us. Yet she is trying hard with her re-training, and she has this knack of making you feel special, wanted, important. A small part of me wonders if it will all be revealed as an elaborate ruse, but mostly I just take it at face value. She’s fun and we laugh a lot. I think both Ben and I are surprised at how much we like her.

I didn’t notice when Dep stopped walking. Did you hear that? he asked.

No, what? I asked innocently but straight away my heart started hammering in my chest. Snap.

There it is again!

Probably an animal, I hedged, let’s just keep going.

I haven’t killed one in ages, said Dep, sounding almost wistful, looking towards the noise.

Don’t even think about it, I warned, pushing him along. My heart didn’t stop until we were back at the gates. That was too close.

I was staring out of our kitchen window into the street when Dad cornered me. I had been thinking about what lay beyond the walls, and if I could transpose the view to a non-apocalypse scenario, what would I see?

I am still not used to not seeing any cars out in the street, he said, ninja-ing up behind me. I was really losing my form. And apparently my mind could now be read.

Now, I don’t want you to get upset – he started.

Said every person who is about to upset someone, I finished.

Come sit with me, he said, pulling out a chair. He didn’t mince around. I have heard you have been heading out, alone.

Ugh, I groaned, flopping my head onto the tabletop. It is not a big deal, Dad. I am old enough, and there are hardly any out there.

It isn’t always them I am worried about.

If the world was back to the way it was, what would you be letting me do now, you know, age-appropriate?

Dad shrugged. You’d probably have your driver’s permit.

See? That seems FAR more dangerous than me getting some exercise in a mildly zombie-infested area.

Have you seen any?

Not a one.

Dad made an interested ‘hmmm’ sound. Maybe they are nearly gone. Except for us, waiting to die.

Well that was a cheery thought. It has been this way for a while, though. I said, so why do you think the world hasn’t gone back to ‘normal’? I totally gave it air quotes. Surely whoever is in charge out there is doing something?

A faraway look came into dad’s eyes. When your mother was pregnant with Dep, she loved sardines in tomato sauce. They came packed tightly in a little tin, these tiny, smelly fish. All the different brands, all in their tins. And it would get me to thinking, all these fish in tins in this one supermarket. Multiply that by all the supermarkets in town, then the state, the country. The whole world. JUST the sardines, being taken out of the water for us to mindlessly consume. And then the industry to create those tins. It made me wish Mother Earth would fling us all off into space.

Ooookay? I wasn’t sure where Dad was going with this.

Perhaps this is our punishment. It keeps us scared, contained and sustainable. I am not so sure this world isn’t actually better. Sure I don’t wanna have my brains eaten but in the old world, there was plenty more to be afraid of.

So. We’re cool with me going out alone, then? I said brightly, changing the subject.

Dad slumped back in his chair and scrubbed his hand over his face. Fine, whatever. Just don’t drink and drive and use protection!

God, he’s a weirdo, sometimes.

Does your Dad know?

Jesus Christ, Jack! Don’t sneak up on me like that!

Hey – I was just standing here by the gate, enjoying this delightful day.

Jay dumped her back-pack on the ground, and wiped her brow. There is nothing to know.

Right. So you’ve graciously given up some of your bad-ass duties, yet you are training Rachael AND off wandering the country-side, alone, every day.

Far out, can’t a girl have a little mystery…or privacy? Jay huffed.

Jack shrugged, safety first and all that.

Not that I need to explain myself to you, but I take a radio, I have some rations and a few weapons.

To do what exactly?

Get some time and space to my freakin’ self, is what.

Jack raised an eyebrow. Not sneaking off to meet anyone?

Jay’s blood boiled. Oh. My. God. Fucking Rachael. She sat down to pull off her boots. Don’t you smirk at me, asswipe. She peeled off a sweaty sock. You wanna know what I do? I run. I feel the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face. You are welcome to join me, if you can keep up. Jay hefted herself up, hoisting her bag onto her back. She picked her boots up in one hand and deftly flicked her sodden socks at Jack with the other.

You are so gross, Jack called to her retreating figure, why are we friends?

We won’t be if you don’t mind your own business, Jay called back. She didn’t want to make good on that threat though. Friends were supposed to tell each other stuff, right?

Jay lay in the sun, thinking about all of the things and none of the things. She could smell the warm earth, feel the grass tickling the backs of her knees, hear the drone of the bees. When her eyes were closed, she was enveloped in a peachy cocoon. When she opened them, all she saw was the startling infinity of blue above her. She didn’t dwell on that too long – it made her dizzy – all that nothing between her and space. She was considering a nap when something nudged her foot.

Oh, come on! said a voice. You didn’t even flinch.

Should I have?

I could have been here to eat your brains.

Jay snorted. You could do with them.

Hah hah, like, soooo funny.

Jay could hear the eye-roll. What do you want?

Oh, sorry – interrupting you, am I?

Jay sighed. We aren’t friends. Get to your point.

Ouch! Okay, well. I was wondering if you could help me brush up on my skills? You know, killing them. The other day freaked me out and I know I give you crap all the time but I was seriously impressed at how you handled it. I want to be able to do that, too.

Jay wasn’t succumbing to the flattery. You know I didn’t actually do anything?

But you could have!

Jay prodded for the plot hole in this unlikely story. We do have people here that you actually like, who can help you, you know?

Yeah, but it is embarrassing. I have let my skills and confidence slip and you already know I suck. And…

Jay raised her eyebrows. And what?

You won’t give me any slack, just for being a pretty girl.

Ahhh. So that’s why I always got my ass kicked in training – not pretty enough.

No, that’s not what I meant! I mean – with you around, so competent and passionate, the rest of us were just much spares, who muddled through. Smile nicely and I’d get 20 less push ups.

Riiiiight.

So….?

Jay considered it. She wasn’t doing many patrols and there hadn’t been much action lately. This would keep her a bit more active. Plus, if anything, she might get a few sneaky hits in during training. And a teeny tiny small part of her missed female company. Oh, and besides she didn’t need to give those ‘Rachael might be right, I am too kick-ass’ thoughts any more validation.

Fine, okay.

Yay! Rachael clapped her hands. We can start tomorrow – but first – you have to tell me about the cute guy you met on your last run!

What? No! Jay groaned – how did she even know about that?