So there it is. My big ol’ secret. I was bitten and here I am, alive, four years later, to tell you this tale. I suppose you might have a few questions.

 

Dad, if I was bit…would you…?

Kill you?

I nod at him.

Yes.

Really?

It was his turn to nod.

But what if there was a chance that I might survive it?

Jay, we have been over this. No one survives. Dad is patient.

Maybe because we don’t give them the chance! I cry shrilly.

Dad sighs as I storm outside, an 11-year-old whirlwind of angst.

I used to pepper him with ideas; what about holding cells or we could tie them up! He shot down every one. He says he lived in a prison once and even that didn’t save them. No matter where he has lived and what they have done, people who attempt to keep them ‘alive’ end up dying themselves. I don’t mention it anymore; Dad says it was a phase I was going through, just like when I wanted to be a vegetarian.

I haven’t forgotten. I won’t ever forget. As I got older, I asked different questions, with the same amount of luck.

But what about a vaccine?

We are survivors, not scientists.

We could find some!

Scientists with working labs aren’t exactly a dime a dozen, Jay.

 

In his dark periods, Dad thinks this is all a sign. Humans were a plague on the earth, and now Mother Nature is getting a chance to reassert herself. Who are we to mess with that? he asks.

So, my secret is my survival. I can’t die at the hands of my father, for his sake and mine. I kill others to save myself, even my best friend. It is a cop out to believe that I am looking towards the ‘greater good’, but I have to, otherwise I would drown in my guilt and shame.

Until the time is right, I will keep doing my job and living my lie.

Can you bear to stick with me?

But, I thought things were going great! said Ben.

Jay felt for him, she really did. She had shed tears for him, with him, but now she just wanted it to be over. How many times could he plead with her to reconsider? She played with edge of the blanket, watching the day turn to dusk, the air cooling around them. She wondered if this was a true measure of a person; how well they took a break up?

What about if we took sex off the table? Ben asked.

Jay sighed. It would come up eventually. We are young and curious and I just can’t.

I thought you said you loved me?

I did. I do. It is just…the timing isn’t great and I can’t string you along.

Timing? For what? You going off to college? Working too many hours at the local mini-mart? Please! Ben scoffed, and Jay knew he was right. Perhaps she should tell him she doesn’t love him, but that feels unimaginably cruel.

Is there someone else? Now it was Jay’s turn to scoff. Perhaps I can change your mind? Ben turned his voice seductive, as he leaned in. Jay rolled her eyes, but she was maybe, on purpose, a split second too late in stopping him from kissing her. God, he tasted so good. Maybe they could just…no. Wait –

Please, Ben deepened the kiss, pushing her against the blanket.

Come on, no – said Jay pushing back, firmly.

I can change your mind, he whispered into her ear, his weight bearing down on her, one hand roaming not very gently.

Seriously? Jay asked in her head. This was just about enough. In a split second Jay flipped Ben and her knife was at his throat. However, she was put off by a beam of light, straight in her eyes. She scrambled off Ben. He swore, wiping the pin-prick of blood at his neck.

Yeah, thanks, Jack, Jay shot a rude finger sign at the watchtower. She stood up, masking her shaking hands by wiping at imaginary grass on her clothes. She couldn’t mask the quiver in her voice, or the venom.

Stay away from me, or I will end you.

Ben glared at her from the ground. Whatever.

Jay drops her towel and looks in the mirror. She smiles and shakes her head at herself. If anyone came into the shower block and saw her now, she’d never live it down, so she’d better hurry. She has never had much use for looking at herself, but now, she is curious. When it comes time, what will Ben see? Will he like it? Jay does. Her body is soft and strong. She turns her back to the mirror, peeking over her shoulder. Her heart stutters; a pale, distinct mark scars the smooth skin. How could she have forgotten about this? She snorts a mirthless sound. She isn’t 100% on the mechanics of sex, but she is fairly sure that Ben would see it, feel it.

That was it then, Dad’s wish come true. She really would die a virgin. She gathers up her towel and hurries into a cubicle, before the tears flow. She could howl with the ache of it.

Jay? Jay! Oh god, you’re alive!

I had stood sheepishly at the gates of the compound, waiting to be let in. I was exhausted, covered in scratches and bruises. I couldn’t help it; when Dad wrapped his arms around me, I burst into tears. Next was Dep’s turn.

You EVER do anything like that again… he whispered into my ear, his voice thick.

I couldn’t explain to myself why I was still alive. I had strapped myself into the tree to stop myself from roaming once I turned. The sickness came on and it was horrific. I would have been grateful for death, but I only passed out. And then I woke up. I had obviously never had a hang-over but I had seen Dep with one, and I have had the flu, so I guess it was like that. My eyeballs hurt, my joints ached, my kidneys. While someone was jabbing a skewer into my temples, someone was squeezing my head in their hands. My thirst was so great I would have thrown myself from that tree to get to a glass of water, but when I looked down, the dizziness that came over me had me retching and clinging to the trunk. It felt like forever before I could untie myself with stiffened fingers and scale gingerly down the tree, panting like I had run a marathon.

I considered killing myself – I didn’t want take the risk. Some people turned really quick. Maybe I was just super slow? But fear and loneliness won; I was only 11.

I truly never thought I would be so dishonest, but first I snuck home to get a pair of pants that didn’t have a bite taken out of the bum. It was there I heard Dad, his fear. It took a superhuman effort not to run to him, make it all better. Instead, I slipped out the window. I stayed away a couple more hours, rubbing dirt on my pants, adding some rips and tears.

Stumbling towards the gate, I vowed that I would never do something so stupid ever again. Also, if there was any inkling of a sign I was turning, I would end it myself, straight away.

Of course they checked me over, but not that thoroughly. Why wouldn’t they believe me when I said I was okay? I cried a lot, the first few days back. They said it was shock. I now know it was shame, grief. In my lie, my selfish need for survival, my innocence was lost.

Fuck him. FUCK. HIM. He can just fucketty fuck right off. I swear to God if he comes near me, I will rip his head off. Fucking fucker.

If her Dad had just let her go to the stupid dance, she wouldn’t be stuck up here, strapped in a tree, waiting to die. She really wants to go home but she couldn’t bear for her Dad or brother to have to do it. So she will change, stuck up there, hoping someone else will eventually find her.

She was so angry and wanted to scare him a bit; get him to realize that he had to let her be a kid, which was better than not having her at all. Except it has totally bitten her on the ass.

No, like actually bitten her on the bottom. She was scouting a place to hole up for a while and there was a totally manky one in the bush she was standing next to. Just a torso and head, half propped up, leathery and decrepit. She wasn’t paying attention; she practically backed herself up to it. She doesn’t get how she can be so well trained yet this happens. She scrubs away hot tears of rage and frustration. So stupid, so dumb.

She guesses she is scared to die. But maybe more sad, sad about what could have been. She wanted to do things, see other places. And yes, even after Denise, maybe have a baby. Instead she is going to be an animated corpse in a tree, until someone puts her out of her rotting misery.

Awesome.

I know, sorry, sorry – I have been….uh, busy, the last couple of weeks. But I can leave you with the letter Dep stuck under my door, for your amusement, and my mortification.

Dear Sis,

I know I should talk to you about this stuff in person, but quite frankly, it is kinda embarrassing. And we all remember the Great Menstruation Debacle.

You and Ben seem to be getting pretty serious. (You may be the Scourge of the Undead, but you cannot hide the sickening looks of mooniness you seem to permanently wearing) I know it has only been a few weeks, but you’re young; hormones and all that.

No, this isn’t going to be the birds and the bees talk. I know you have read up on all of that. I mean it is, kinda. I am not as scared as dad, but I am still concerned. Being pregnant in this day…some say it is important and we need it and I agree. But not my 15-year-old sister. And, it isn’t like the old days. Can’t take you to family planning for the pill and condoms are all out of code, now. Ugh. Can’t believe I just had to write that. Maybe you might need to….man, I REALLY wish Mish was visiting again sooner….chart your times? No. I will actually talk to you about this when I have stopped blushing. It is important. Just need you to know ‘a serious talk’ is coming, ok?

But mostly, I just want you to be careful with your heart. First love is such an amazing whirlwind thing, but unless you’re lucky enough to have found ‘the one’…first heartbreak sucks ass.

Love you, lil sis,

Big Bro x

So, yeah. We had the talk. It was cringeworthy on all levels, but necessary. And I appreciate it. Mish did visit and she helped me with some…specifics. So I guess, we would be good to go. Maybe. In a timely fashion. If this is where we are heading? Can’t say I am not curious…

I hope this is okay. It was this or hunting and hunting is not very romantic, not that I am assuming anything but – Ben couldn’t stop himself from talking, and Jay smothers a smile.

No, this is lovely. She stands at the edge of the blanket, hands clasped in front of her. This is a nice spot, she says, wondering how much they would be able to relax, really.

Oh, I got Jack on look out, said Ben, reading her thoughts.

Oookay, that’s not creepy.

He promised not to watch us, just the general vicinity. Said I would repay the favour for him one day, if he ever got so lucky. Jay thrills a little at the compliment. She honestly doesn’t know what she feels for Ben. She suspects that she likes that he likes her. But she is under no illusions that with her Dad, and the world as it is, she wasn’t in any position to be holding out for one of her teen novel hot guys. But she wasn’t going to bring that up in conversation with him any time soon. And it wasn’t that Ben wasn’t cute. She could see he was. But she wasn’t exactly swooning, melting, fizzing, or whatever else the hell was supposed to be happening when on a picnic date with a young man.

A drink, Madam? Ben holds out a cup to Jay. Sorry. The setting might be different but the food is the same ol’ sh…stuff we get.

Jay sips the warm cordial. She swears the stuff they have is so old it must be fermented by now.

Is this weird? Ben asks suddenly.

That was weird, Jay jokes but is immediately contrite at Ben’s crestfallen face. No – no, not at all. Should it be?

No. Maybe? I just –

You can say it – we’ve known each other a long time.

That’s exactly it, though. Is this, happening because, I dunno. Because of our age? Situation?

Yup. Definitely no fizzing now,  Jay mumbles into her cup. But somehow she feels better, more confident. Like she is freed from expectation. Perhaps. But I guess we don’t have much to lose.

Maybe one thing, Ben glances at her sideways with a cheeky smirk.

Jay covers up her blush with bluster. Ease up, Turbo! You haven’t even pulled out a chair or opened any doors for me yet.

Probably cos you’d kick my ass if I tried!

Hey – I can appreciate a gentlemanly gesture, argues Jay.

Ok, so how about this one? Ben sits himself, so he is sitting cross-legged, opposite Jay. I know it isn’t just before curfew, at your front door, but may I kiss you?

You don’t read – how do you know this stuff? Jay asks, trying to cover her surprise.

Ben shrugs. My uncle reads to me. He didn’t think I should have to learn, but he did it cos we don’t have TV anymore.

Oh. Jay thinks that was sweet and sad and weird. Why didn’t he just teach him? Maybe he didn’t know how to teach him…

Are you avoiding the question?

No! Yes.

Ummmm? Ben raises his eyebrows in question.

No I am not, yes you can. Jay puts down her cup of cordial and puts her game face on. Ben laughs softly. She really is a warrior. When he pulls her close, his hands are cool, but his lips are warm and he tastes like orange. Jay can’t help smiling against his mouth as a little tingle surfaces.

Dad gave this to me, for ‘posterity’. Now I know where he got the diary writing idea. When I think of that time I am so ashamed, but I guess this is important in my story. So here you go.

I can’t even describe how I feel right now. Two hours would be too long. The rage and impotence that is simmering inside me makes me want to rip out my hair, tear my shirt off, cut myself, to redirect the pain. It is probably worse than after the prison when I thought she was dead. The hope, knowing she is out there somewhere, alone, hurt, scared…. it is debilitating.

 

I really didn’t think I would be having this sort of ‘fight’ with my 11-year-old daughter.

 

There’s a settlement down the way a bit, and they were having a mixer of sorts. Mish told her about it. I coulda killed her. She thinks it is important for Jay to socialize with others outside of here. Got her all excited, talking about music and what she might wear and if she would dance with a boy. I thought I raised Jay better than that, but nope, she got all het up wanting to go with Hayley, running to Laurel with magazine pictures seeing if she could refashion some clothes.

 

I want to say I got it, but I didn’t. I ‘spose I thought I raised a little warrior, yet she still wants to wear glitter eye-shadow even though less than a week ago she barely knew what make-up was.

 

Told her she couldn’t go. Lord, the tears and door slamming. Mish rolled her eyes at me, suggested I go as a chaperone if it bothered me so much. Then it was my turn to roll my eyes at her. She knows I ain’t exactly welcome a lot of places. But it could work. When I went to Jay’s room to tell her the ‘good news’, she was gone.

 

Two days. No trace. I guess I did raise her right. Unless it is far worse than I can imagine.

What can I tell you about Ben?

Nothing to tell. He’s never going to be a love interest, because according to Dad I am going to join a Nunnery of one and die a virgin. Excellent.

I really think Dad needs to read some of my books, because that is the kind of attitude that is going to send me running straight into Ben’s arms. Well, not really, because I hope it is apparent that I am my own person and I am not going to make decisions that willfully ignore my father’s fears or blindly attend to Ben’s wishes.

Okay, so maybe I am not as logical as all that. You have read my entry on the fights dad and I have had? But you see what I am getting at.

Ben is…special. He is three years older than me. Older man – scandalous. Yeah – maybe, back in the day. But it means a bit more than that these days.

People of Ben’s vintage are rare. Even rarer than us ‘comfort babies’. He was a tiny child when this all started. Not quite small enough to carry everywhere or keep hidden, and too small to fend for himself. He would have been a danger and a liability. God, the things he would have seen and not been able to comprehend. For him to be alive right now – it would stand that many people died for him. When Mish comes to stay she always asks after him and watches him wistfully. Such a beautiful, haunting expression for such a scary lady.

He lives with his aunt and uncle. Whether they are blood relatives, it doesn’t matter. The concept of family has changed in the last decade and a half. He doesn’t have the same education as I do, and he is sometimes very angry, but mostly sweet. Pretty cute, I guess.

I don’t know how he got to write the letter. It would have taken some doing. It got me thinking. I like him well enough. But now I wonder what it would be to like him like him. Can it still be love if I didn’t even know it was there?