Yeah, so that didn’t exactly turn out the way I had planned. What? Did you think I was going to go for some deviously clichéd plan involving pain and humiliation? Come on now. I hope you know me a bit better than that. It was tempting. God, SO tempting, but, no. I just thought that maybe if I could get them together, it might take the heat off me a bit. Maybe that is worse than embarrassing Rachael; Ben clearly has issues. However, that doesn’t mean he is never allowed to be in love. So I thought I would give them both a nudge in the right direction. Jack and I sent the letters, I set up a cosy picnic at the edge of the woods. We made sure Jack was on tower duty, and I set myself up, hidden away, just in case. Baby deer and all that.

Rachael arrived first, and saw the picnic, the look of pleasure on her face made her almost un-bitch-like for a second. Ben showed up soon after, looking a bit startled, but he covered it well. I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but they seemed to establish that it was indeed some sort of set up, but they didn’t seem too put out by it. Not if the way Ben’s eyes kept flickering to Rachael’s low-cut top was any indication. I can admit I had to squelch down a dart of jealousy, then.

They talked, they ate, they laughed and seemed to have a really good time. My ass went numb and I got eaten alive by mosquitoes. I was willing them to wrap it up when we all heard the snap of a twig. They both leapt up and I sprang into a crouch and fell into an ungainly heap. Ninja-smooth, Jay.

Ben spoke into his radio and I saw the sun blink off Jack’s lens as he searched the woods. There it was again. I swore under my breath. I was going to have to blow my cover. Don’t get me wrong, everyone here has decent training, but I wasn’t going to get anyone killed cos my cupid’s arrow went haywire. I slunk out of the bushes at a low run, hands up, calling out, ‘Ben, Rachael, it’s me!’

Are you kidding me? sighed Ben.

Oh, thank god! said Rachael, I thought there was something out there. But it’s just you.

It was amazing how in a couple of lines she went from sounding super-relieved to super-bitchy. I can go, I said, making to walk away. I know, real mature, but holy hell that girl is awful.

Another rustle and crackle. Both their eyes widened at that. A chorus of, No, please stay! followed.

Jack’s voice came through the radio. I can’t get a clear visual. Seems to be three of whatever they are.

Where are your weapons?

Ben pulled out his knife. Rachael had nothing. She was obviously going to go skinny-dipping next, she was that determined to be the first cute victim in this horror-novel.

I was about to suggest we make a run for it under Jack’s cover, when they came through the bushes to our left. They weren’t what I expected, that’s for sure.