Jay? Jay! Oh god, you’re alive!

I had stood sheepishly at the gates of the compound, waiting to be let in. I was exhausted, covered in scratches and bruises. I couldn’t help it; when Dad wrapped his arms around me, I burst into tears. Next was Dep’s turn.

You EVER do anything like that again… he whispered into my ear, his voice thick.

I couldn’t explain to myself why I was still alive. I had strapped myself into the tree to stop myself from roaming once I turned. The sickness came on and it was horrific. I would have been grateful for death, but I only passed out. And then I woke up. I had obviously never had a hang-over but I had seen Dep with one, and I have had the flu, so I guess it was like that. My eyeballs hurt, my joints ached, my kidneys. While someone was jabbing a skewer into my temples, someone was squeezing my head in their hands. My thirst was so great I would have thrown myself from that tree to get to a glass of water, but when I looked down, the dizziness that came over me had me retching and clinging to the trunk. It felt like forever before I could untie myself with stiffened fingers and scale gingerly down the tree, panting like I had run a marathon.

I considered killing myself – I didn’t want take the risk. Some people turned really quick. Maybe I was just super slow? But fear and loneliness won; I was only 11.

I truly never thought I would be so dishonest, but first I snuck home to get a pair of pants that didn’t have a bite taken out of the bum. It was there I heard Dad, his fear. It took a superhuman effort not to run to him, make it all better. Instead, I slipped out the window. I stayed away a couple more hours, rubbing dirt on my pants, adding some rips and tears.

Stumbling towards the gate, I vowed that I would never do something so stupid ever again. Also, if there was any inkling of a sign I was turning, I would end it myself, straight away.

Of course they checked me over, but not that thoroughly. Why wouldn’t they believe me when I said I was okay? I cried a lot, the first few days back. They said it was shock. I now know it was shame, grief. In my lie, my selfish need for survival, my innocence was lost.